I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
