She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
