You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
