Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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