It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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