i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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