it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
