Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize