The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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