The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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