we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
