i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
