A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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