wake up i wanna do it froggy style
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
