I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
