My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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