I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
