next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it because I queefed?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
