I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
