I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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