So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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