I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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