He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
