apparently the secret to your success is patron
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
