Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
