guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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