dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
