i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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