she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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