I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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