Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
