I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
