I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You are a genius and a whore.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize