had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
