I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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