this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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