shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
