I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
