Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
