Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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