and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
