you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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