Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
