walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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