JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
