it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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