Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
