It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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