yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
