I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
