R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
