i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
