Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
