As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
