they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
