Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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