Barsexuality is the new black.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
