part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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